Stop With the Perfect Mother Stuff

Have you ever felt like you needed to be the perfect mother in every way possible? Do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated when you haven’t hit the mark that you’ve set for yourself when it comes to your kids? Maybe you can relate to some of the thoughts and feelings that I’ve had around this very topic. In this post, I hope to squash some of those negative self-doubting thoughts so that we can learn to be more efficient and forgiving of ourselves!

What About Your Perfect Mother Story?

I don’t know what your particular story is. You may be an artist mom, another type of creative, or maybe don’t even consider yourself to be creative. Maybe you work full-time or part-time or stay home and homeschool your children. Either way, you are a mom that is valuable and doing an extremely good job! And yet, we all struggle to parent in the perfect way.

How Did We Get This Way?

When we think about the reasons why we need to be perfect in our life, we have to go back a bit further. We need to look at the family dynamics from our childhood that got us here. According to Sharon Martin of Psycho Central, there are four types of parenting that can have a tragic effect on a developing child. If you have experienced one of the following, you will understand exactly how this has caused your perfectionism to grow.

Demanding Parents

These types of parents often see a child as an extension of themselves, including in boosting their self-esteem. When a child messes up, the parent gets embarrassed because they care a lot about what others think. There is an emphasis on outward achievement and this type of parent often resorts to emotional and physical abuse when a child does not comply. Harsh consequences are used to teach their children a lesson. But this ruins a child’s self-esteem and they can develop a sense of shame, failure, and overall inadequacy. The child doesn’t have their own goals and instead internalizes the goals of their parents. They learn that love is conditional, it must be earned by good behavior, and that they’re never good enough for their parents.

Perfectionistic Parents

These types of parents praise their children only when they achieve something, not for the progress and journey while they are learning. They don’t always set realistic expectations for their kids. These parents love looking like the perfect family on the outside, portraying a perfect home and lifestyle. They need their children to achieve high levels of academic, career, and monetary success.

Distracted Parents

These parents usually mean well but are not attuned to their children’s needs or how they feel. They are unaware of how their behaviors affect their children. Parents that fall into this category might be either too busy with work to notice their children or perhaps those that only stare at a screen. They often meet the physical but not the emotional needs of their children. These parents may not demand perfectionism but a child can learn that they’re not enough without it. Children might also learn that their success gives them value. A child with perfectionism may also use it to get noticed.

Overwhelmed parents

These parents may feel this way due to their own trauma, mental illness, addiction, or cognitive impairments. They tend to have chronic stressors such as health, issues with their children, or with the environment. Their extreme feelings make it hard for these parents to provide a safe space. There is either a lack of rules, or rules are harshly enforced. Kids learn to blame themselves for the issues with their parents and often become perfectionists to control their situation. For example, a child might start measuring their cereal or spend hours on their homework. They quickly learn that if they are perfect, they will please their parents.

How It Affected Me

Because of my own experiences as a child, I became obsessed with doing things differently with my own kids. I needed to always be there for them, be supportive, and helpful. It was important to me to be attentive and answer every need that my children had. But I soon became exhausted and the mental narrative I was repeating was overwhelming. I told myself that I needed to be a perfect parent and I never wanted my children to feel like I wasn’t there for them. I would keep track of how much time we spent together to make sure we always got enough. When they were tiny babies, I even set up structured playtime with them so they would never feel abandoned.

These are not bad things by themselves but whenever I was motivated by stress, it sucked the joy out of the experience. It’s very important for us to spend time with our kids as a reaction to our love for them, not our trauma. Thus motivation executed out of fear can make life more stressful.

Break The Perfect Mother Cycle

Here are some ideas to try that work for me. First of all, remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. If you’re thinking about it, you’re on the right track. Place reminders around your home to encourage you to let go and just be present with your kids. A stress-free mom will rub off on her kids just as much as an anxiety-ridden one.

Second of all, don’t parent out of anxiety. Parent because you love spending time with your kids! Focus on the fun moments you’re having with them. Tune into their reactions, their happy faces, and their laughter. This will refocus your mind and help you be in the present moment. A specific thing to do is to plan out little adventures to do each week, no matter how big or small. And when you start telling yourself you need to be a perfect mother today, counter that lie with a reminder that you’re doing your best!

Lastly, give yourself time to take breaks by yourself and don’t feel guilty about them! Make a list of the things you enjoy doing on your own and do something fun for you. Enlist the help of others around you that you trust to give you a few hours break once or twice a week. Remember that brakes help you rejuvenate so you are more present for better quality time.

Final Thoughts

Was there something we talked about today that resonated with you? Are you realizing that being the perfect mother is more stressful than worth shooting for? If so, feel free to leave a comment and let me know your thoughts! And here’s something to read next if you want to stop trying to create perfect art. Let’s keep learning together 😀